Category: Love Life or Die Trying Blog

a blog by bj draKe

on god

On God

Church was something that I hated because I was forced to go as punishment for acting out, as if church would save my wandering pre-teen soul from a life of damnation. Ugh!  I hated it!  I did whatever I could to NOT fit in.  Those were not my people or my beliefs.  FUCK YOU!  I’d…
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Statue of Medieval Orgy

Clothing Optional Orgy

For nearly my entire life I haven’t been able to recollect a single detail from my dreams. As a dabbler is Jungian psychology, I’ve always been jealous of those who were able to deconstruct the symbolism of their unconscious mind. I felt as though I was missing out on something that – when studied –…
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Meditative Psychosis

It’s been a while since I’ve written ANYTHING. I needed a break from thinking, so I quit writing. The last two-years have been filled with TOO MUCH introspection. I dug too deep into my own psyche searching for the proverbial golden egg of repression that my ego’s been hiding. I knew that mushy nugget was…
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Smudgy View

Smudgy Outlook

For the last two years I wore glasses that I could hardly see out of. I could’ve replaced them. All it took was going to the optometrist for an eye exam and then I was eligible for new glasses. I didn’t. I couldn’t. Frankly, I didn’t care that I couldn’t see. It was the least…
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Cigarette in ashtray


Smoking cigarettes was single-handedly the worst decision I’ve ever made. It’s a decision that I’ve continued to make, thousands of times. I quit. I’ll admit, those words scare me.  It almost feels like I’m giving up a piece of me, discarding a physical extension of my body. I lament its friendship, escape, excuse to opt…
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Motivation Motivates

When I was depressed and isolated, I began writing a list of everything that I’d accomplished during the day, no matter how insignificant I considered it to be it. I soon realized that we don’t give ourselves enough credit for everything we do, even on the days we do little. On an uneventful day, my…
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Burning Books

The Purge

Writing has always been a way for me to transcend through difficult times and sort out the confusion of my moods and thoughts before they swallow me. It’s become a way to creatively disable the suicidal urges, self-destructive tendencies and throw a soggy band-aid on my diseased mind, so I can continue to drag my…
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Prescription Pills

Happy Pills

Before I was ever offered happy pills, I was adamantly against the idea of medication. The propaganda against psychology – paid for by the Church of Scientology, amongst others – convinced me that psychiatric drugs were a ploy by the shadow government of the world to numb/dumb us all down and lock us into a…
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New Beginnings

After my head injury, as cliched as it sounds, the world turned grey The color and vibrancy was slowly sucked out of my life. I was juggling too many cognitive obstacles and impairments at the same time. I didn’t realize how far down the spiral of depression I was slipping. Until I hit rock bottom…
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Fernand Cormon [Public domain]

The Curse of the Creative

A quote from Jordan Peterson… “The worst thing for creative people is to not be creative.  They just die.  If you’re extroverted you can’t be cut off from people.  You just whither.  Open people have to be creative.  They have to be because otherwise they die.  They don’t have any vitality.  So, they’re cursed with…
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Dirty Meditation

Dirty Meditation

I once knew a man who smoked a lot.   He was convinced that it calmed him down. One day, I watched him smoke. He inhaled, deeply. Held it in for a second. Exhaled. Dirty meditation.

Narcissist, Much?

Narcissist, much?

We live in a social society that filters out the ugly.   When you don’t, it scares people. Love Life or Die Trying IS NOT a cry for help, sympathy or attention. The mind amazes me and my mind has unique quirks that I want to understand. One thing about my quirks that I’ve come…
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Hanging from a tree

Weeding the Garden

I was weeding my garden. It was overdue. Weeds were suffocating the nutritious vegetation.  The life. Late into the evening I tugged on the root of a weed that wouldn’t budge. I yanked at it until the flesh of my palms rolled back and bled. I got a heart-shaped shovel and stomped on it, but…
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Crashed Plane

I Died In My Dream

I have been on a quest to dissolve my ego and last night I had a dream that I died, my first one. I was one of many passengers crammed into an airplane.  We hit turbulence, hard like the belly of the plane scraped across a mountain top.  We began descending in a spiral.  Over…
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haunted church


I was forced to attend Sunday School at the only Lutheran Church in our town as a remedy from my sprouting pre-teen aggression and rebellion.  It was awful and I devoted myself to being a pain in the ass to the teachers and the congregation.  I would show up wearing my skull jacket every Sunday,…
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A good friend of mine sent me a friendly wave on Facebook Messenger late last night after he read “I’m Sorry.” “I’m sorry we weren’t here for you, bro.” The truth is that he was, as were many others. Everyone – at some point – shook my shoulders to shake some sense into my soggy…
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god smudged his fingerprint

god smudged his fingerprint, so until the inK has dried n is wash/d from between his whorl, au revoir .


blinK / d

from higher frequencies borderless vibrations, away from the third observer , who never judges whose bacK is turn / d towards an artificial trompe l ‘ oeil , a taciturn gate – keeper , who , dress / d in rags , perches amid the pair of foolishly wander / d eyes , an unarmed…
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walking in front of train

Anti-Depressants Don’t Kill Creativity, Depression Kills Creative Minds

For years I bought into the myth that “anti-depressants kill creativity.” It is a dangerous myth that is perpetuated by quackery factories like the Scientology community and other fanatic religious movements. The lazy practitioners of medicine and the greedy, deep pockets of the big-pharma industry don’t help by over-prescribing medication to people who don’t need…
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starry night

I’m Sorry

I am bipolar and suffer from social anxiety. Phewf. That is “my truth” and it is something I’ve rarely even admitted to myself, let alone anyone I know. Until recently. What’s changed? Well, I had a nervous breakdown; the last of a string of many since a Traumatic Brain Injury that debilitated me for a…
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brain worms

brain worms

There is an infestation of worms that have burrowed deep in my brain. A mushy ball of slimy, dormant belly crawlers who are blind and unable to find food. Until it rains. Then they follow the pattering vibrations of the raindrops. They wriggle and squirm to the surface  of my brain and drink the waters…
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Kurt Cobain - Nirvana

My Curse of 27

When I was eight, my mom dropped my brother and I off at school. As we pulled into the parking lot the Canadian flag was flying at half-mast. “Why is the flag like that?” I asked my mom. She was slow and hesitant in her response. “A boy in grade five,” she swallowed heavy, “hung…
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