It’s been a while since I’ve written ANYTHING. I needed a break from thinking, so I quit writing.
The last two-years have been filled with TOO MUCH introspection. I dug too deep into my own psyche searching for the proverbial golden egg of repression that my ego’s been hiding. I knew that mushy nugget was weighing me down. I found it. My ego skedaddled and hasn’t been seen since. I carried that lopsided egg to the surface and stared at it, transfixed and afraid.
Then I dropped it, cracked it open and its vile goo paralyzed my rubbery limbs.
I cracked my own psyche and slipped into madness, or so it’s been diagnosed.
I assumed – along with family, friends, nurses, doctors, counsellors, psychologists and psychiatrists alike – that it (psychosis) was mainly caused by my past traumatic brain injury.
What else could it have been?
All I did for nearly a year was meditate for up to fourteen hours on some days. So long that I’d open my eyes and there were no longer defining edges or lines to the objects around me, only wavy vibrational squiggles like the calm waves of a pond after you’ve tossed a pebble in its center.
I thought that I’d reached Nirvana, but later understood that those vibrational fields were hallucinations caused by psychosis, not some spiritual awakening.
Today, while reading “Be Here Now, Be Now Here” by Dr. Richard Alpert, Ph.D. – a book about spiritual awakening – I read the following passage;
“Going thru it, you have touched a place inside yourself that has an intuitive validity. It’s intuitively valid inside you. Know it’s right. I’ve been with well over 100 people who have had such an experience which was powerful and valid, but was so discontinuous with their normal consciousness that they screamed for help. The help that was available to them was a group of minds which said, ‘that’s all right, you’ve just gone crazy.’ That is ‘the experience you’ve just had is the experience of psychosis.’”
Did a spiritual awakening – or whatever it was that I experienced after extreme solitude and meditation – push me into insanity?
Can meditation cause psychosis?
The answer is YES.
It’s been said that TOO MUCH meditation can – in some people – cause the opposite of what practitioners are attempting to achieve; anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, twitches, psychosis and schizophrenia.
From personal experience, as I meditated more and longer, I felt like my ego was dissolving until one day it was gone and I didn’t know who I was anymore (in the DSM that is called “disassociation,” which is also a symptom of psychosis).
This all leaves me with MORE questions than I had before, but most importantly;
“Are the symptoms of madness similar with what it means to dissolve the ego and awaken in a world that still sleeps?”
Questions like this are why I took a break from writing…